News

Meditation

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 13:26:00 -0800

Communication

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 14:25:00 -0800

Communication with Your Teenager

Communication with your teen can be what feels like a never ending battle. It seems as though it is a one-sided conversation. They are trying everything possible to get the answer they want and you are trying to make a decision about something they want. Teenagers will badger, sulk, plead, become aggressive, or even run to get their way. Parents tend to get backed into a corner when confronted with these communication styles until they finally give in.

One of the problems is this is not communication this is manipulation. Teenagers are very good at figuring out when, where, and how to use these manipulation styles to get their way. A lot of times in the parent-teen relationship the communication become so broken that the only thing that is said to each other is the generalities of life; how was school today? Did you get your homework done? Did you clean your room? Why can’t I go to the concert? I am sleeping at Jenny’s tonight. And when the answer from you is no, or you try to get them to do homework or chores the badgering from them begins. It is easy to get caught up in this cycle and difficult to figure out how to stop or change this cycle.

There are not any tricks to communication there is only talking and listening. Teenagers do need their parents time and ear. They are just like the rest of us and want to be heard and understood. They need to sit down with mom, dad, or both and know they can talk and be heard. This means that as parents we need to spend the time and hear what they are saying. Of course as parents we tend to get fearful at what is being said and then react to that fear. This reaction is where the communication break down comes in. If mom becomes reactive and upset at Jenny talking to mom about boys and sex Jenny will never trust mom to talk about this stuff and she will resort to peers who will lead her astray. Teens need to hear what their parents have to say, they may still make choices we don’t like as parents but it is always better if they can talk openly with their parents and gain an adult perspective about the problems they are going through in life.

Remember to listen and understand what your teen is trying to tell you. If you need to, repeat what you heard to make sure you are truly hearing what they are saying. This will improve your communication and improve your relationship.

A Couple's Story

Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:40:00 -0800

A Couples Story

So many stories that a counselor hears are painful,
hurtful stories. They are filled with trauma, grief, loss, abuse, hopelessness,
and helplessness. Most families and couples will go through times when they
treat each other like the enemy instead of a best friend. But every once in a
while there is a story that will make you smile and realize how goofy life can
be.

So this story is about one couple and their
experience of an assignment given by their therapist. This is a young couple
who had been married just a few years. They were both in the military and he
had just come back from a year of deployment. In the military after deployment
a married couple is required to see a counselor at least one time to help with
bringing them back together or make sure there aren’t any major problems or
reasons they cannot re-connect.

He was sitting on one side of the couch and she was
on the other. The therapist who specialized in marriage and family counseling
asked if they were always distant when they were with each other. He told her
he was just tired. After the counselor asked a few more questions and got more information
from them she gave them an assignment.

The counselor pulled out a bag of buttons. There
were blue buttons and white buttons. The blue buttons were for him and she got
the white buttons. There were big and small buttons in each bag of blue and
white buttons. The big buttons were to give to one another if something good
happened. For instance, maybe she cleaned a stain off of his favorite shirt and
so he would give her a big button. The small buttons were to give out if there
was something that happened one of them did not like. Both agreed to try this out
over the next week and they went home.

The next day they were home and she noticed that he
had not taken the trash out and it was overflowing so she handed him a small
button. Now, he was a little taken back by this and started looking around the
room and found something that she did that he didn’t like so he also handed her
a small button. She once again decided that she didn’t like something else he
had done and gave him another small button. He immediately got defensive and
grabbed a few buttons just to get back at her. So she immediately grabbed a
handful of buttons and threw at him. This turned into a bit of a button war and
they ended up with blue and white large and small buttons all over the house.

They went back to the counselor the next week and
started talking about the button exercise and the counselor looked at both of
them and simply told them that she could not help them. This was 10 years ago
and they are still married today. They laugh about the button assignment today
and remember vacuuming and finding buttons around the house for several months
after the button fight.

There is no moral to this story there is no great “aha”
to be had from this story. It is just life and it is relationships. You can’t
take life too seriously and learning to laugh can be the best medicine for any
relationship. All relationships are hard and they are good. Just learn to enjoy
the smallest of moments.

How Do You Know if You Have an Addiction Problem?

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:44:00 -0800

How do you
know if you have an addiction problem?

It is
important when you start wondering if you have a problem to start asking
yourself some tough questions, you may also want to ask some of your close
friends some of the same questions. The reason for this is because they see
your life from the outside while you may not. You may be comfortable in your addictive
patterns even though your life feels chaotic. Friends may see things
differently and if they are a good friend they will tell you the truth or in
the least that they are concerned. This will give you another perspective and
hopefully open you up to the possibility that you have a problem. As you answer
the questions below remember it is not about making you a bad person this is to
help you become aware and once there is awareness you have the opportunity to
do something about it. It is always your choice but if you don’t see the
problem then how would you ever know that you can do something about it.

·
Is
my life out of control?

·
Am
I taking time off work/school because of my actions?

·
Am
I avoiding certain friends/family because of my actions?

·
Is
my friends/family avoiding me?

·
Do
you spend my spare time either doing this action or thinking about doing this
action?

·
Do
you think about quitting or stopping but can’t seem to find the drive or will
power?

·
Do
you tell yourself when you wake up that today will be better and by the time
evening comes around you are beating yourself up for not staying on track?

·
Are
your thoughts about yourself negative? Do you struggle with self confidence?
Can you look at your eyes in the mirror without feeling shame or guilt, anger
or resentment?

These questions are to help you discover if there is something in your
life that is out of control and is making your life unmanageable. This could be
any behavior that has become addictive or taking over your life. So if you
binge eat, shop, drink alcohol, use illegal substances, sex or pornography,
gambling, or any other behavior or action that may take control over your life,
these are the questions you can answer to determine if it is out of control or
not.

What happens if it is out of control? It is time to gain control. This is
easier said than done, but very possible. In the beginning it will feel impossible
and overwhelming. Finding someone to talk to so that you can gain perspective
on these emotions can help you get through it. As you regain control and tell
yourself you are worth it, you deserve to be happy, and you are capable of
being loved, the lighter life will be.

If you would like to talk you can contact Kelly at www.repairnlife.com/contact

5 Ways to Reduce Stress in the Moment

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 20:06:00 -0800

5 Ways to Reduce Stress in the Moment

Stress is something that happens to everyone. Not
one person is immune from stress. Some people are able to cope with stress
better than others. Some people keep it all inside and you would never know
they were having a stressful day. Some people wear their stress on their sleeve
and everyone knows they are stressed out. None of these are stress reduction
skills however. To actively reduce stress it takes work and practice just like
if you were learning to play the guitar or pitch for a baseball or softball
team. It takes practice.

There are 5 very easy techniques for reducing stress
in the moment:

1. Close
your eyes and focus only on your breath. Take deep breaths in and let your
breath out slow. Let your thoughts go in and out with your breath and try not
to focus on any of the thoughts.

2. Stretch
your arms, legs, back and neck. As you stretch count to 10 during each stretch.
Rotate your hands and feet slowly and then go the opposite direction. Allow
yourself to feel relief.

3. Get
a paper and pencil and write. Write down everything that comes into your head.
It doesn’t have to make sense it could be just doodling.

4. Go
for a short walk, not a stroll, but a walk that will get you breathing a little
heavier than normal. This walk does not need to be a long walk 5 or 10 minutes
will do it.

5. Listen
to music that is calming and allows you to relax. It could be a favorite song,
or music without any lyrics or just some music that you like.

These stress reduction skills can be very useful to
learn and use. When you learn to slow life down and take a small break by using
these or other skills you can clear your thinking and shift your life, many
times the solution to the problem that is stressing you out will appear in
these small moments. In the least these stress reduction skills allows you to
take a few minutes for yourself, and take a small mental health break.

One thing to remember about stress is that any
problem generally will become bigger if you try to take care of it when your
emotions are high. The goal of stress reduction is to decrease your emotions
and think through problems in a slower pace than what we normally do when our
emotions are highly charged.

For more information contact Kelly www.repairnlife.com/contact

Mental Health Break

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 14:07:00 -0800

So often we really don't think about our mental health. This is partly because the phrase mental health is connected to mental health disorders and there is still quite a stigma in our society about these types of disorders or illnesses. Mental health however, is much more than this. Mental health can either help us or hurt us in our thoughts, focus and concentration, physical illness, and emotions.

When we look at our mental health the questions to ask are: Am I getting at least 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep? Do I feel tired and drained even after a night of sleep? Do I stress eat? Am I able to focus on the task at hand? Do I have a regular exercise plan that I stick to? Do I spend a lot of time going in circles and feeling like I never accomplish anything?

If you are answering these questions and realizing that your life is in over-drive and you are not the one that is in the drivers' seat it is time to slow your life down and regain some control. Part of doing this is taking a mental health break. This is a break just for you to reflect, relax, repair, and revitalize.

Things you can do to take a mental health break is; going and getting a facial, or massage, you could also get a manicure or a pedicure, if you don't have the funds to do this give yourself a facial at home pamper yourself by soaking in a bubble bath. You can also get one of your favorite movies, a blanket and curl up on the couch and let yourself watch this movie without answering your phone, emails, twitter, or any other distraction that could happen. If you have kids then get a movie for all of you and put your phone away, your computer away, make some popcorn and cuddle with your kids on the couch and watch the movie. Give yourself the gift of time. By this I mean this 1 or 2 hour block is about you and what you do is because that is what you decide to do and not because your phone, computer, spouse or partner, boss or kids is telling you what to do. You are in charge of this 1 or 2 hour block.

It is important to learn to take care of yourself. It is impossible to take care of anyone else in your life if your own self care is suffering. This is because if you are running on low, you have nothing left to give someone else. Keep replenishing your tank by taking care of your mental health. You deserve this gift to yourself so go ahead.

For more information or help on improving your mental health please contact me

Is It Love or Codependence?

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:18:00 -0700

This is the one million dollar question. What is the difference between being in love and being codependent? There is a big difference between these two types of relationships. So let's start by talking about what a codependent relationship looks like.

Codependence does not know where you end and your partner begins, if your partner is having a bad day then so are you. In a codependent relationship your whole world revolves around the other person. If they don't like something you are planning then you probably won't follow through with what you were planning. This relationship is based on control and doing anything to stay in the relationship even if it isn't being true to who you are. This relationship is based on fear and not love. Fear of being left, not liked, not accepted, or rejected; this creates a constant stream of thoughts that keeps this person from being true to who they are. In fact who they are; changes.

Codependent relationship usually look fine from the outside but you lose yourself in the relationship. Your friends go by the way side; your family is also pushed aside. Things that were important to you are not important now because they are not important to your partner. Your friends may even try to tell you but you are so enmeshed in this relationship you just tell yourself they just don't understand.

In the beginning of most relationships it may appear codependent because it is new and exciting but if it is a healthy relationship each partner will keep their identity. Neither of the partners will expect the other to give up their life or who they are for the relationship. A healthy loving relationship supports each other to grow in their life, their goals and helps them achieve their dreams.

For more information please contact us

How Do I talk to My Teenager?

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:14:00 -0700

Talking to teenagers today is a real challenge. They have so many distractions that can keep them busy that it may seem impossible to even get time with them. However, talking to your teenager is more important than ever. Because of the internet, phones, and the gaming industry, teens will get lost in this world and it may be days before they come up for air.

The reality is today teens aren't getting enough sleep because they are up chatting, playing a game, texting, sexting, or surfing the web. Many teens stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning and then try to get up for school and get through the day. Most teens don't tell their parents what they are doing especially if it has to do with sex or weekend parties, skipping school, cheating, even dropping out of school.

Teens want to run their own life and they don't want to be told what to do. Many teens do what they want when they want and if their parents don't approve they just go to their friends house where their parents are fine with them doing whatever. Many parents are feeling like they are between a rock and a hard place because they don't have the control they feel they need to have to keep their teen safe.

One parent talked about how they did not approve of underage drinking and so they wouldn't let them go to certain parties. They later found out that one of their teens best friends parents allow the teens that go to their home to drink alcohol and they justify this by saying I would rather them drink here and know they are safe here than have them sneak around drinking.

What does this have to do with talking to your teen? It has everything to do with it. If your teen is sneaking out, drinking, using drugs, staying up late and you feel like you have lost control you probably have. This doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them but what happens is the conversations usually end up in a heated fight and nothing was accomplished.

Sometimes parents need to just be real and tell their teen what they are worried about and just have a conversation. This isn't about discipline, it isn't about being in control, it's about the relationship. As a parent it is easy to get wrapped up in the moment and let all the emotions take over. When this happens the conversation will generally end up in a fight. Parents will need to keep their emotions in check, not get angry at what they are hearing, and be prepared for whatever comes out of their teens mouth. This is a start, and more than likely your teen may tell you things just for the shock factor to see if they can get a rise out of you. Do not take the bait!

The goal is to actually have a conversation and tell them your fears about what you are seeing them do. If they open up just a little consider this a triumph. Parents they need to be able to talk to you without being judged, yelled at, or told they are screwing up. Teens know when they are over their head but because they don't feel like they can talk to anyone about it but their friends they don't and then the advice comes from their teenage friend which may not be the best advise. If you want your teen to talk to you, you will have to be calm, patient and not use statements like, "I knew this would happen" or "that friend of yours is trouble" or I told you to study". It is advantageous to use statements like "how did you handle that" or "is their anything I can do to help" or can I offer a suggestion". Something that let's your teen know you have heard them and you are there to support them.

Remember parents to a teenager parents are not that important but secretly they do want to know their parent supports them and they are there to help them.

Why You Should Not Rescue Your Teen

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:12:00 -0700

How many times as a parent have you ran to the school to bring them homework they forgot, or talked to the teacher about why their assignment was late in hopes to help them keep their grades up. Well this is a good intention but it actually hurts your teen more than it helps them. This is why. The first time you ran to the school to bring your child something they forgot or to help them out of a problem they said "thank you and I won't do it again". Most parents response is "it's OK but I won't do this again". The problem is that this isn't what happens. The next time your child needs something you let them know you are unhappy but you still do it for them. After a few times of doing this your teen knows that if they need mom or dad to help them or step in they will even if it means they will be yelled at. Teens don't really get to bothered by the yelling they are more bothered with not getting their way or looking stupid in front of friends.

After a few times of doing things for them that they are more than capable of doing them self it becomes expected by the teen. Teens are pretty selfish and they really only think of themselves and their friends. The other problem is they are not learning how to deal solve their problems either. Every time a parent bails out their teen it doesn't let the teen understand the consequences to life and how to solve things they have messed up on. The fact is that many teens rely on manipulation and blaming others to deal with their problems. This is normal teenage behavior. This is not however normal life. Normal life is that there are consequences to everything we do and there are solutions to every mistake we make. Teens are at the time in their life that it is important to help them learn the reality of life. There are no consequences if the parent always solves the problem for them.

Parents as hard as it is to allow your teen to clean up the mess they have made in the long run it is the best thing you can do for them. You are preparing them to be an adult, get a job, drive a car, go to college, be in a relationship, and eventually have kids of their own. Every time you solve their problem you take a gift from them. Solving problems and learning to take accountability and be responsible for our actions is what teenagers need to be taught. As hard as it is to step back and allow your teen to have the consequences their actions have brought them it is the best thing you could do for your teen.

With all of this in mind talking to your teen about how they are going to solve their problem and offering suggestions opens up the communication and allows them to learn to talk to you in an adult manner. You can let them know you are disappointed in their actions but support how they are handling the problem. This will give them confidence to continue solving problems and the ability to take charge of their life. This can also give them the validation they need from their parents. Teens do not like to admit they want their parents to be proud of them but they do.

Alcohol and the Brain

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 11:05:00 -0700

When you drink alcohol the last thought you are having is "what am I doing to my brain"? There is a lot of information about what alcohol does to the liver but it is rare to hear about what is happening to the brain before, during, or after the person drinks.

So what areas of the brain are affected by alcohol? The Frontal Lobe is where our judgment and executive functioning come from; this means that after consuming alcohol there is an immediate effect on your judgment. The Limbic System is another area that is affected by alcohol consumption and this causes both long and short term memory loss. Other part of the brain that is effected is; the temporal lobe which is where emotion comes from and when you drink emotions become numb but even after you drink the numbness of emotion may subside and bring an overwhelming amount of emotion which may cause one to drink again because the flood of emotion is too intense, the hypothalamus controls sexual arousal and with increased amounts of alcohol your arousal may go up but performance will go down because alcohol depresses the nerve center that controls sexual performance.

For teenagers the effects are much greater because the brain is still growing. Our brains are not full grown until about age 24 for women and age 26 for men. So when a teenager consumes alcohol it may cause some lasting effects. As a teenager the Frontal Lobe is where executive functioning skills come from. Executive Functioning is what helps us make decisions; both in the moment and goal oriented type of decisions. When alcohol is used these skills can become impaired and last through their life.

Think about anyone you know that has drunk alcohol since they were young. Do some of their traits seem impulsive or even immature? This may be from consuming alcohol at a young age. When the brain was growing the Frontal Lobe may have been impaired which would cause decision making skills to suffer.

In my own family I have a lot of experience with this. There have been two drug and alcohol related deaths, one family member who has spent as much time in prison as he has out of it, a Grandfather who died from liver complications because of alcohol, and the most recent is a family member who drank himself to the point where he will never walk, talk normally, go to the bathroom by himself, or many of the other life pleasures he used to have. He will live in an assisted living setting where he is fully aware of what has happened and why, but he can't do a dam thing about it.

So, if you ask me what alcohol does to the brain I would tell you that it only makes you stupid in your life decisions e.g., drinking and driving, taking other drugs with alcohol, drinking until you pass out or puke, drinking games that increase the risk of alcohol poisoning, unprotected or unwanted sex, and this is just of the few bad decisions that are made. This list could go on and on because it is not just the drinking decisions that are affected it is life decisions.

We always have choices to make and hopefully the choices you are making increase the life you have. Alcohol is a depressant and so if your life isn't going so great and you are drinking, alcohol will never help you make your life better it will only cause more pain in the end. For more information please contact me.

We Have Launched A New Blog

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 14:06:00 -0700

Repair N Life is pleased to announce that we have upgraded our blog on our website so that we can better serve our loyal customers by continually providing valuable insight and information. The quick address of the new blog for those who may want to favorite it is www.repairnlife.com/blog.

In the new blog we plan on adding information for both parents and teens on how they can cope with issues such as depression, anxiety, grief, relationships, alcohol and drug abuse and more. This blog will allow for more interaction where people can feel free to leave comments and give us any suggestions of what they would like to see more of on our website.

The blog will be overseen by me, Kelly, and I have a Master’s in Psychology from Pacific Graduate School of Psychology, I am a Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor in both UT and NV. I have studied the Marriage and Family Therapy Model of Treatment and will be able to provide great knowledge through this blog so please subscribe to the blog to stay updated.